Are We Good at Talking About Our Emotions?

One of the biggest challenges in psychotherapy is helping clients differentiate between talking about emotions and actually expressing their feelings. Many people believe they are sharing their emotions when, in reality, they are only discussing their thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions surrounding them. This can lead to misunderstandings in relationships and internal struggles with emotional processing.

On the other end of the spectrum, some individuals struggle to talk about emotions at all. The vulnerability involved in expressing true feelings can feel overwhelming, leading to emotional suppression. These two pitfalls—intellectualizing emotions without truly feeling them and avoiding emotions altogether—can both present barriers to personal growth and connection with others.

The Three Levels of Emotional Expression

A helpful way to visualize emotional expression is through the concept of three concentric circles:

1. The Surface Level (Outer Circle) – This includes everyday, factual conversation. It’s easy to talk about what happened in our day—what we had for breakfast, our work schedules, hobbies, or even frustrations about traffic. This level is comfortable and non-threatening.
2. The Emotional Level (Middle Circle) – Here, we move beyond surface-level discussions and start talking about how events make us feel. This is the point at which vulnerability begins. Sharing that you’re frustrated, anxious, or excited about a situation requires trust and self-awareness.
3. The Meaning and Symbolism Level (Inner Circle) – The deepest level of emotional expression involves exploring the meaning behind our emotions. What does a particular experience symbolize? How does it connect to our past experiences or deeply held beliefs? This level requires deep introspection and is often where true healing in therapy takes place.

Understanding these levels can help clients recognize where they are in their emotional communication and where they might want to challenge themselves to go deeper.

Cultural and Upbringing Influences on Emotional Expression

Our ability to express emotions is shaped by our upbringing and cultural background. In some families, openly discussing feelings is encouraged, while in others, emotional restraint is valued. For example, those raised in households influenced by British or Scottish cultural norms may have absorbed a "stiff upper lip" mentality, where emotional endurance is seen as strength and vulnerability as a weakness. In such environments, discussing emotions can feel uncomfortable, selfish, or even inappropriate.

Therapists often help clients explore the cultural and familial influences that shape their emotional expression. Understanding where these patterns originate can provide valuable insight and help clients develop new, healthier ways of communicating their emotions.

Bridging Emotional Differences in Relationships

A powerful example of emotional differences can be seen in how different people show care and concern. In some families, when someone is hurting, it is considered intrusive to ask questions about their emotions—offering space is seen as a sign of respect. In contrast, in other families, asking questions and engaging in discussion is the primary way to show care and support.

When these two communication styles clash, misunderstandings can arise. For example, someone who is used to open discussions about emotions might feel ignored if their partner doesn’t ask them how they’re feeling. Conversely, someone from a more reserved emotional background might feel uncomfortable or even invaded when asked too many personal questions.

Recognizing these differences can help clients navigate emotional conversations with loved ones more effectively. Instead of reacting defensively, they can acknowledge that the other person’s approach stems from a different emotional upbringing and adjust their expectations accordingly.

Developing Emotional Awareness and Regulation

So how can clients improve their ability to express emotions?

1. Build Emotional Vocabulary – Many people struggle to articulate their emotions simply because they lack the words. Expanding emotional vocabulary can make it easier to express feelings accurately. Instead of just saying "I'm stressed," try identifying whether it’s anxiety, frustration, overwhelm, or sadness.
2. Practice Emotional Reflection – Regularly check in with yourself. Journaling or simply taking a few minutes each day to identify your emotions can strengthen self-awareness.
3. Challenge Emotional Avoidance – If talking about emotions feels uncomfortable, start small. Share a feeling with someone you trust, even if it’s just naming an emotion without diving into details.
4. Recognize the Role of Meta-Emotion – Meta-emotion refers to how we feel about our own emotions. Some people are comfortable sitting with difficult feelings, while others might feel shame, frustration, or fear when emotions arise. Understanding this concept can help clients break negative cycles of emotional avoidance.

Learn more

Emotional expression is a skill that takes practice, especially for those who have been conditioned to suppress or intellectualize their feelings. Understanding the levels of emotional depth, the influence of cultural background, and strategies for emotional growth can help clients navigate their emotional world with greater confidence and clarity.

Therapy provides a safe space to explore emotions and develop a deeper understanding of oneself. By embracing vulnerability and learning to communicate emotions effectively, clients can experience more meaningful connections and a greater sense of emotional well-being.

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This blog is a companion to our podcast Beyond the Session brought to you by our team in Barrie, ON. To listen to this episode please click THIS LINK. If you'd like to book a session, you can CLICK HERE. 

Photo by Maria Baranova on Unsplash